Team Talon, Away!
by Terrasquid
Summary: They call them criminals and killers, but they don't know who they really are... a bunch of over the top people we can make fun of! Enjoy the misfortunes of Blizzard's own Fantastic Four and everyone's favourite gang of terrorists. Learn about their lifes outside the always charming manslaughter. Starring: xx EdgeLord xx , Femme Fatale, Sneaky Gonzales and Dr Doom(fist)
1. Author's Note

Hello there dear readers, by the time I'm writting this my main story "Sign of Time" has achieved over 1.000 views. Maybe I shouldn't be proud of this but I truly am, and to reward you for this achievement not only have I made a bit of work in my profile page (check it out if you want) btu I've also decided to start a new story!

Although more than a "story" this will be more like a "comedic way to kill your time". The idea for this is that every chapter will be a little sketch of the life of the Talon Family, but adding humor, memes (not too dank tho), references, satire, etc.

But remember: even if this not supposed to be taken seriously I will still be true to the character's personality, you know like in LEGO games? where every character is basically a parody of himself? I guess you might as well call this "LEGO Overwatch" if you want

Unlike "Sign of Time" this will be the only author's note I have planned to do. How many chapters I'm going to make? I don't know... How many would you like?

Anyway, enjoy reading this waste of potential. If I manage to make you laugh at least once then my job will be done

See you soon...


	2. The Mission

It's midnight in Pasadena California, Overwatch agent #265178 (also known as Billy) is walking down a street listening to music. However he is unaware about the fact that somebody is watching him...

Trough binoculars a dark figure is watching every move he makes. And then it moves towards it's target, stealthy as a shadow... because he is in fact a shadow...

The agent continues walking down the streets eyes closed, enjoying the music. Suddenly the shadow materializes in front of him

"Agent 265178, I've come for information. Give it to me and I will give you a quick death" says Reaper aiming it's guns at him. The man however continues walking with it's eyes closed

" _Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed..."_

"Agent 265178, I'm being serious. Give me the information"

" _She was looking kinda dumb with her index and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead..._ "

"For fucks sake, BILLY STOP IT!" Reaper shoots the headphones of his head, suprised the agent open his eyes and sees him...

"GABRIEL MY MAN! How you doin'?"

"What? No, I'm Reaper!"

The agent puts his arm along Reaper's shoulders, "Where have you been? You missed sum cool stuff back in the base..."

"Shut the fuck up Billy! Listen, I want to know the location of Jack Morrison and Ana Amari" He gets away from the man, still aiming it's guns

"Oh hey, I don't know where are they but if we find them we can pay them a visit! We could drink together, talk..."

"What makes you think I'm their friend?"

"Don't you want to pay them a visit?"

"NO! I want to kill them! Besides my personal interests don't matter because this is a mission I've been asigned. I've come for information completly alone"

Before the agent could talk shit again a jet passed above their heads. From it a figure in a purple reflective suit landed, it pointed a gun to the agent's face

Before it could do anything she sees Reaper and her face shows confusion. "Wait, What?" says Widowmaker

Reaper is confused as hell aswell, but before he can say anything a little piece of metal in the floor starts to shine purple. And from it a young woman in neon clothing appears holding a submachine gun, it starts laughing but stops upon seeing Reaper and Widowmaker

"Wait, What?" says Sombra in suprise

And before either Reaper or Widow can say anything a voice can be heard from the roofs of nearby buildings, a big figure drops and points a huge golden fist at the agent

"Agent 265178, you are coming with me for interroga-... Wait, What?" said Doomfist upon seeing the rest of the gang

An uncomfortable silence invades the circle of guns pointing at the man's head (poor Billy, he's an idiot tho)

"ummm, Gabe... are they your pals or somethin'?" says the agent with a bit of fear

Reaper ignored him and instead turned towards the rest

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was about to ask the same thing" replied Doomfist

"I've been asigned this mission alone" said Widowmaker

Reaper turned towards her, "It was left for anyone to take, and I took it first!"

"Lies, I took it this afternoon"

"Fuck you guys!" said Sombra "I planted a translocator and a movement sensor in this exact area this morning, the mission is mine!"

"I met this imbecile years ago, if anyone should interrogate him is me" said Reaper

The agent wasn't listening to them, instead he was looking at Widow

"Hey, french accent lady?", Widow turns towards him. "Why are you blue?"

Sombra steped up to him and answered, "Because she choked on a baguette"

"Shut up, you _salope_ " said Widow with a glare, "besides I'm purple"

"No you are not, that's blue" said the man

With a complete emotionless face she pointed the gun at his crotch, "and that will be red if you don't shut up"

He stood completly still without saying anything

"How agressive of you" said Doomfist

"Says the guy who wants a war" muttered Reaper

Doomfist turned his head towards Reaper, "I only want a conflict because that's what humanity needs, the amount of idiocy and weakness in society is too much. Besides, you are not exactly a nun now are you?"

"Oh come on Akande!" said Sombra "Don't insult the poor man, don't you see he's trying to be intimidating? *whispering* the key word being 'trying' "

"I don't try, I succed" replied Reaper

"Whatever you say mister 'death blossom' ", Sombra and Doomfist started to laugh and even Widowmaker got a chuckle

"Because shouting "die, die, die" like an infant surely will impregnate the heart of your enemies with fear" Widow said with a smirk

Reaper grunted anoyed. "At least my costume doesn't make me look like a spiderman wanna be"

Widow remained shut as Sombra laughed outloud

"And speaking of bad costume choices" Reaper turned to Sombra "I don't know if you are aware of this, but here in America people use the christmas decorations on the tree"

Sombra stoped laughing inmediately

"You know for a person who relies on stealth you sure are... shall we say... 'iluminated' " said Widow

"Is not that bright..." said Sombra crossing her arms

"Oh please" said Doomfist "we could use your hair to attract moths"

"You want to talk about wanna be's" replied Sombra "Then why don't you shout 'POWER!' when you charge your fist at someone?"

"HEY! I don't look at all like that guy!"

"If you ask me that would be a better reputation" said Reaper. "All people know about you is boxing puns and 'Oh, I'm angry tribal warrior man' "

Doomfist rattles his teeth in anger

"You know what? Billy started this discussion so let him end it. Billy, who's costume looks worst?" asked Reaper

But the agent was no were to be seen, the gang started to search for him everywhere without luck

"Were did he go?" asked Sombra

"He escaped" said Reaper "DAMMIT!"

"This is your fault" said Widowmaker towards Sombra

"How is this my fault?"

"If you weren't such an inmature fool this discution wouldn't have started to begin with"

"Fuck you!"

Everyone was anoyed, they lost a target. They blamed eachother in silence and it remained like that for some minutes, the Sombra broke the silence

"So... anyone up for a drink?"

The rest gave a glare of anger to her

"Yeah why not" said Reaper

"Sounds good to me" said Doomfist

"I could use some wine" said Widowmaker

"Great!" Sombra cheered. "Team Talon, Away!" (roll credits)


	3. A Piece of French Tecnology

*flick*

" _And now the news: The famous criminal duo known as 'The Junkers' have been exiled from Junkertown. The reason behind this is unknown but is believed that they may be planning revenge against the Queen of Junkerto-"_

*flick*

" _Next question: What color is a Polar Bear? A. Brown, B. Black, C. Purple, or D. White" "Ummmm… Can I use help?"_

*flick*

" _Coming next summer: Transformers 27, We'll stop making Transformer movies when you stop watching them-"_

*flick*

" _So hear this out: In fiction, The Flash is the fastest man alive and one of his greatest foes is Grodd, a super inteligent gorilla… In real life, Tracer is the fastest woman alive and one of her greatest friends is Winston, a super inteligent gorilla… Coincidence? I think not. The only logical explanation? Aliens-"_

*flick*

" _Tired of your team's Engineer being lazy? Why not keeping one just for you! The Tiny Desk Engineer is here! Better tan the real life Engineer! If you call now we'll also give you the Tiny Desk Dispencer for free! Call now! Get your own Tiny Desk Engineer for this amazing price!_ _"_

*flick*

"Hola, ¿que haces?". Sombra entered Widowmaker's room inside Talon's base

"There is nothing worth watching on television at the moment…" she answered without really paying attention

"Really? So can you aford a moment?"

"If I ignore the fact that you entered without knocking then yes…"

"Yeah yeah whatever…" said Sombra closing the door. "I thought you might be able to help me with something…"

"What would that be?"

"Here's the thing: I need new techniques of infiltration and spionage, and if I learned something from history is that France has always been number one on spionage"

"So you are assuming that only because I happen to be born in France I know something about spionage? I don't asume that you know how to traficate with drugs now do I?"

"Ummm... sorry? Look, you know or not?"

Widow turns the tv off and gets up, she gets a glass of wine, "I do..."

"CALLED IT!" shouted Sombra victorious

"Nevertheless here's the problem *sip* I don't have a reason to help you"

"Let me guess: you want me to give you a reason?"

" _Oi_ "

"Alright... You should help me because... uh..." Sombra starts thinking but honestly can't come up with anything. "I will... expose you on the internet if you don't..."

Widow turns and looks at her emotionless while raising an eyebrow. "I am not amussed"

"Yes I know. Ummmmmm... I will... get you Tracer's location..." she smirks nervously

"I'm still not amussed..."

"*fuck*... Then I'll... uhhh... well I would give you money or something but I know that you don't care"

"Nevermind", Widowmaker leaves the wine and walks over to Sombra. "I already know why"

"Really? Thanks amiga!" she replied in a devious tone

"I'm not your friend"

"Sure..."

Widowmaker starts looking around her room. "I'm searching for a device that might turn out to be more usefull to you, wait for me at the training room"

"You got it". Sombra leaves, still wondering what kind of good luck she had today

* * *

Widowmaker enters the room holding a yellow pocket watch, Sombra watches her anxious

"So, where is this 'device' you talked about?"

" _voilà_ " she points at the watch

Sombra's face shifts to incredibility and starts to laugh. "That? You are kidding me right?"

Widowmaker remains emotionless as she opens the pocket watch. "Shoot me"

Sombra inmediately stops laughing, "¿Qué?"

"Shoot me"

"*shrugs a bit* Ok...". Sombra aims her submachine gun and shoots. The first bullet berely entered her chest when Widow suddenly fell to the ground, her body remained completly still

"Widow? Was this part of the plan?", she remains in the floor. Is almost like if she had actualy died

"Hey, you dead? What kind of stupid plan is this?", Sombra gets closer to the body. But when she tries to kick it her foot goes trough it, is a hologram

Before Sombra could say 'what the-' a voice came from her back, "It is not stupid at all, I asure you..."

She turned startled to see Widowmaker droping from the ceiling. "What even...? How even...?"

" _La Dead Ringer_ " she gives the watch over to Sombra. "It uses an Australium batery to create a shield around the wearer. The shield will scan your body and create an exact holografic replica, once something breaks the shield it drops the hologram as a decoy body as you become completly invisible until the clock's charge ends"

"Oh, I get it!" she says while taking the watch, "It allows me to fake my own death! Ingenious!"

"Precisely"

"Hmmm, I wonder... how did you got it? and why you never use it?"

"Don't worry about it"

"But-"

Widowmaker gets closer and adopts a treathning tone. "Don't. Worry. About. It."

"Ok ok, geez..." she backs off a bit. "For how long does the charge lasts?"

"About five seconds"

"Really?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No not at all, five seconds is more than enough time for me", Sombra smirks. "Is just weird because you took more than five seconds to appear behind me"

"I just had to go away until the charge ended". Widowmaker is deliberately teasing Sombra knowing that she won't suspect anyhting.

Normaly Sombra would have doubts but right now she was fascinated with the power she just gained

"Whatever" she says, "I will give good use to this baby. You sure this will work?"

"It takes time to master properly, but belive me: not even Houdini's ghost could pull off such an escape mechanism..."

Sombra chuckles and gets the pocket watch in her... well... pocket...

"You know what? I don't need time to "master" this thing, I think I want to use it know". And with that she leaves the room, leaving Widowmaker behind

"Oh... I'm counting on that..."

* * *

Katya Volskaya is making a public speech in honor of the inauguration of a new factory in Vancouver, Canada. This is the chance Sombra needed to kidnap her and make sure their "agreement" works out

The plan can't fail: she places a translocator near the jet, shows up in front of the guards and make them shoot her. She fakes her own death and slips into the crowd during the confusion. Then when she gets to Volskaya the Ringer's charge ends and grabs her, all left is to activate the translocator to get Volskaya unnoticed, jump with her into the jet and... _'Bang! Bing! Volskaya is with me!'_

Time to execute...

Ivan Ivanosky and Rudolph Rudolphosk are guarding the left side of the crowd surrounding Volskaya, suddenly Sombra appears in front of them

"Hey there boys, can I get in?"

"NYET!" they both answer

"Well I want to get in for free, if you really want to stop me... then shoot me..." Sombra opens the Dead Ringer expecting the soldiers to act, but they just stay there... doing nothing...

"I said: if you really want to stop me... then shoot me...". Still nothing... "Oh for fucks sake!"

Sombra plays plan B: she gets a cap out and wears it

"Hey look at me! I'm a Mexican inmigrant wearing a cap even tho is night time!"

"MOTHER OF RUSSIA!" they yell, inmediately all the others soldiers aim at her aswell, one of them called Dimitri Dimitrosky yells at her

"STAY STILL AND TAKE THE CAP OFF! I REPEAT: STAY STILL AND TAKE THE CAP OFF!"

"Not a chan-". Before she could finish that sentence all of them shoot at her, the decoy falls into the ground and Sombra quickly runs pass them

 _'Hey! It worked!'_ she thinks to herself. She runs pass the crowd, who's currently screaming in terror upon hearing the shoots

As Volskaya is distracted Sombra finaly gets behind her, she looks at the watch: the charge is almost over

 _'And now: you're coming with me...'_ Sombra gets in position to grab her

When the charge ends however...

 **(insert Windows XP starting noise)**

Every single soul in the area turns over to Sombra, now completly exposed

"Mierda..."

She activates the translocator to get out of there and inmediately gets into the jet. As she takes off and escapes she calls at Widowmaker trough the radiocomunicator

 _'Yes?'_

"Hey Widow, is there something you forgot to tell me about your miraculous device?!"

 _'*chuckles* yes one thing: it roars upon decloacking... Maybe this will be a lesson for you'_

"yeah maybe" she says sarcastic "But I think now I know why you gave it to me... you cunt..."

Trough the comunicator Widow laughes a bit and says in all her french glory: _'Nothing personal, I just had to shut you up'_


	4. I Choose not to Win

Is late afternoon in Numbani, an elite of Helix Security Intenational soldiers is scorting repairments for a new series of OR units. Better tan the originals, these omnics would create the city's own praetorian guard

"Is a shame they will never arrive…". Doomfist laughed at this thought as he arrived at Numbani, a new series of OR units? Only an idiot would come up with such idea

The jet left as his pilot wondered why every single Talon member needed HIS jet to get their travels done (first Sombra and now this?)

And so Doomfist started the search for this scorting elite across the city, he just needed to destroy the supplies to stop the project, while also showing his superiority in the process

It didn't took too long for him to find them: from the top of a building he saw the soldiers at a distance. He smiled evily and charged the energy from his gauntlet

"METEOR STRIKE!" he shouted, then he lifted himself into the air. That elite standed no chance…

Meanwhile the soldiers scorting the the repairments suspected nothing

"Hey" one of them said, "The pronostic said today it would rain"

"Really? I don't see a single cloud" answered another one

"One never knows, it might happen any second now"

"Trust me man: there is nothing falling from the sky today"

Suddenly a shadow forme don top of them, before any of them could react the full force of Doomfist's meteor strike completly destroyed the precious cargo and blasted the soldiers in all directions

"*coughs* augh… I curse you… arbitrary irony…" said one of them before losing consciousness

After the attack Doomfist looked around him: the crates destroyed, soldiers out, not a single agent there to fight him

"Well, that was easy… too easy…". He then felt uncertainty, as curiosity rose over him he felt the need to check the crates. Those were OR unit repairments, the transport was genuine

But even after making sure they weren't fake he still felt like there was something wrong, like if this entire situation was somesort of trap for him

It didn't took long for him to realize the origin of his suspicions. From the other side of the street varios bolts of green energy traveled towards him

By using the glove's shield Doomfist was able to absorb the damage, afterwards he looked over his attacker with anger

And he couldn't belive his eyes upon what he saw, not because what he saw was incredible or powerfull but because this was another idea only an idiot could come up with

His attacker was an OR that looked like any other: it had what seemed to be tribal mask and ornaments, a cape hanging infront fo it's legs with a symbol and very expresive eyes, the only eyes an OR unit ever had

"So the newspapers weren't liying: Numbani's new hero is one month old, what an embarassment" he said

"My name is Orisa" she said in response, "and you must be Akande Ogondimu"

"The Succesor in person, and I belive that you are underestimating me if you actualy want to take me down"

"I know of your abilities, I haven't forgot our first confrontation"

Doomfist was left in confusion. "I would remember facing someone as lame as you in the past…"

"I know you wouldn't remember me, back then we all looked the same…"

Orise proceeded to remeber Doomfist of their first encounter, since we don't care about her point of view we'll just make a flashback

 ** _Two months ago_**

An elite on Helix Security International (coincidentally the same idiots two months ahead with the OR repairments) is scorting The Doom Fist towards a museum in Numbani

"Don't you think this is a bad idea?" one of them said

"What do you mean?" other one answered

"I mean… we are taking a super powerfull weapon to a public exhibition where everyone can see it… I feel like this is a bad idea"

"You mean like the fact that instead of leaving this gauntlet on lockdown and placing a replica at the museum we are actualy placing the real one? Compromising the safety of the entire city for a terrorist attack in order to get it back?"

"Yeah…"

"NAAAAHHH! It's fine! I mean, what? Is not like Doomfist is going to steal it…"

As soon as he said that Akande, who recently escaped from prison (a Helix prison might I add…), appeared out of no where and with great speed and strenght broke the gauntlet's bullet proof capsule and straped it on

"Oh look… Doomfist stole it…"

Before the soldiers could open fire Doomfist made quick work out of them

He looked at his weapon and smiled, "Is good to be back"

Suddenly the speakers all around the city sounded and an entire battallion of OR 15 units were sent to deal with him

Although they fought with all they got none of them were match for the warrior, who with upper cuts, direct hits and a shield growing with damage done showed all his power on the omnics

At one moment one of the ORs tried to attack Doomfist with bravery and a major strenght than the others, however it only resulted in her receiving a powerfull punch that encrusted her into the wall and inmediately shuted her down

"You know this was fun at first but know is getting too easy, I came here for a fight dammit!"

Half an hour later all the omnics were destroyed, with a powerfull feeling of acomplishment Doomfist left the airport towards a Talon base somewhere else in Africa

Some of the civilians started to surround the place of the slaughter, and some of them stared at the OR in the wall

"Should we check on it?" asked some

"That would be the most sensible thing to do, but instead let's take pictures of it so we can make posters for a game that doesn't exists" answered some guy, and everyone agreed with him

Everyone but one little girl called Effi Oladele

"Maybe I can make you usefull again, perhaps even give you some upgrades. I will call you Orisa the OR unit… *chuckles* I'm so smart…"

 ** _Back in the present_**

"Effi spared a month repairing me. She saved me and gave me a second chance, a personality and a… are you listening to me?"

Doomfist was giving her a plain expression

"What did you said? I can't hear you over the sound of how little I care about your life"

"Was that sarcasm?"

He gave Orisa an annoyed expresion

"Nooooooo…"

"Was THAT sarcasm?"

"Ugh, yes"

Orisa thought about it for a minute

"Ummm… was that sarcasm?"

"STOP IT!"

"I'm sorry, I'm new at this"

"Yeah I can tell *to himself* 'Numbani's new hero' my ass…"

Orisa raised her weapon again

"My primary function is to defend this city and I will do anything to complete my objective"

Doomfist laughed outloud and gave her a menacing look with the gauntlet

"I will destroy you and then everyone will se my superiority"

He charged energy with his fist and awaited for his oponent to make a move, yet she didn't moved at all. Orisa just looked at him with he reyes filled with concentration

Although this suprised Doomfist he didn't stoped and released a full frontal attack on her, but seconds before his fist got her…

"FORTIFY!". Suddenly Orisa's skin turned gold and her feet anchored themselfs into the ground

When Doomfist's attack got her she received the impact like a champion and didn't moved from her place

"The fuck?", Doomfist tried punching her again but it didn't worked. "I wasn't told of this! I demand an explanation!" he yelled in desesperation

"Effi gave me the ability to fortify my matrix, this allows me to take massive damage with the trade of no ofense mechanisms while active"

"So you can't attack!"

"No… and that's precisely the point. Reproducing Voice Recording:" Orisa then played the last sound she heard before she shuted down two months ago: _"You know this was fun at first but know is getting too easy, I came here for a fight dammit!"_

"Oh…oh no…" he realised

"Yes, your objective is to show humanity your strenght with a fight so I won't give you a fight to begin with"

"You can't do this! You have to fight me! Come on you fucking bootleg! Fight me!" he gave Orisa another punch, but she just sat down

"Nope, I don't wanna. I can hold the matrix for as long as I want"

"OH THAT'S JUST CHILDISH!"

"What did you expected? I'm one month old"

Doomfist groaned in anger, there was no point in destroying your enemy if he doesn't want to fight

"You are weak!"

"And you are not strongh enough" she replied and he reyes reflected a happy face

 ** _Three hours later at the Talon Base in Africa_**

"So the teddy bear robot defeated you?" Reaper asked mockingly

Annoyed Doomfist fliped him off with the gauntlet

"You can't lose or win when there is no battle to begin with… you shadow the hedgedog motherfucker"


End file.
